1 00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:04,672 Berta, how have you been washing my underwear? 2 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:06,707 Like I do everything else around here-- 3 00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:10,111 with a song on my lips and love in my heart. 4 00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,213 I'm serious. 5 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:15,283 I got a rash in my, you know, private area. 6 00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,919 Private? You get any more traffic down there, 7 00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,454 you're gonna have to open a Starbucks. 8 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,459 Well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap, 9 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,795 'cause it's all red and itchy especially right around my... 10 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,430 Excuse me. 11 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:33,967 I'm sitting here eating a breakfast sausage. 12 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:37,305 It's not a sausage problem. 13 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,474 It's more in the meatball area. 14 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:47,948 Kind of meatball adjacent. 15 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,417 Bet it's swamp ass. 16 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,153 What's swamp ass? 17 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:55,089 Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass. 18 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,658 I hate swamp ass. 19 00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:00,794 You sure it's just a rash? What else could it be? 20 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,863 Well, since we're talking about your private area, 21 00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:06,267 it could anything from Ebola to mad cow disease. 22 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:08,702 You get Ebola from monkeys, right? 23 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:09,937 Right. 24 00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,306 It's just a rash. 25 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,143 A kid at school got swamp ass. 26 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,245 Cats followed him around for a year. 27 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:20,181 You know what? Let's just forget about it. 28 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:22,616 Oh, if only we could. 29 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,453 Speaking of school, we've got a big day ahead of us. 30 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,188 We've got to go shopping for supplies, clothes. 31 00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,423 Nice segue, Dad. 32 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,660 Well, the subject was crying out for change. 33 00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,495 Anyway, you're starting a new school. 34 00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:35,796 You're gonna need new stuff. 35 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:37,064 Wait a sec. 36 00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,500 Melonhead made it into junior high? 37 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,301 Yes. 38 00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:42,636 So you passed summer school? 39 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:43,437 Sort of. 40 00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,173 What do you mean, "sort of"? 41 00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:48,742 They said it was in everyone's best interest if I moved on. 42 00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:51,212 What's that supposed to mean? 43 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,980 It means they promoted him. 44 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,015 He's starting junior high, and there's absolutely nothing 45 00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:57,218 to be gained in asking how or why. 46 00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,287 Okay, well, whatever. 47 00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:00,921 I'm proud of you, man. 48 00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:01,889 For what? 49 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,224 I don't know. 50 00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:05,493 Hanging in there until they were sick of you. 51 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,261 Thanks. 52 00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:10,030 So... junior high, huh? 53 00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:13,167 Boy, that brings back some memories, doesn't it, Alan? 54 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:16,136 Can we please not go down that road? 55 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,171 What happened? 56 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,006 It's just that... 57 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:21,342 kids in junior high can be a little judgmental. 58 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,745 Especially if you're knocked up. 59 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,883 Thank you, Berta. 60 00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,685 Of course, on the up side, 61 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,922 pregnant chicks didn't have to go to gym. 62 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,558 Did the guys who got 'em pregnant got any considerations? 63 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:40,160 No, not even a hall pass. 64 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,530 Are we quite done? 65 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,633 You'll see. Things will go great for you. 66 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,000 You just have to remember a few things. 67 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,336 Like what? 68 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,904 Well... always keep your lunch money in your shoe 69 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,374 but have some spare change in your pocket. 70 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,008 How come? Decoy money. 71 00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,411 They won't stop hitting you till they get something. 72 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,513 Who are "they"? 73 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,315 The big kids holding you by your ankles 74 00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,083 and plunging your head in the toilet. 75 00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,986 Plunging my head in the toilet?! 76 00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,456 Don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan. 77 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:12,393 It's not so much plunging as dipping. 78 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,262 BERTA: Here's what you do. 79 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,564 Make friends with the janitor. 80 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,266 They usually have their own bathroom. 81 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,368 Okay. 82 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,670 Just never drink out of his Thermos. 83 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,605 All right. 84 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,774 And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. 85 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:33,314 Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son of a bitch. 86 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:39,186 Oh, oh, and if you have to shower after gym class, 87 00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:42,222 remember, there is no shame in keeping your Jockey shorts on. 88 00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,591 Really? 89 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,293 Okay, there's a little shame. 90 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,329 But the important thing is 91 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:50,364 the fellows won't be calling you "Shrinky dink." 92 00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,267 Shrinky dink? 93 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,736 I'm a grower, not a shower. 94 00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,007 Oh, I almost forgot. 95 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:03,176 I got you a little present. 96 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,912 Your very own cell phone. 97 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,447 Oh, cool. 98 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,716 The important thing to remember is this is not a toy. 99 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,518 It's to use in emergencies only. 100 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,953 Emergencies? What emergencies? 101 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,622 CHARLIE (softly): Dad, come get me! 102 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:18,626 I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet! 103 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,470 That only happened once. 104 00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,306 If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, 105 00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:33,841 you'd have missed Thanksgiving. 106 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,710 Drug-sniffing dog? 107 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,078 There were no, there were no drugs. 108 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,547 That's true. 109 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,416 Turns out those dogs are also sensitive to urine. 110 00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,354 I was in there for five hours. 111 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,522 Five hours? 112 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,524 But you don't have to worry about that. 113 00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:52,593 You have a cell phone. 114 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,628 Which you should hide 115 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:57,230 where prisoners of war hid their watches. 116 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,999 Where was that? 117 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,234 Moving on. 118 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,470 I've pre-programmed the phone. 119 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,837 Speed dial one is me, 120 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,506 speed dial two is the nurse's office, 121 00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:07,074 and speed dial three is the police. 122 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,410 The police? What for? 123 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:11,579 You'll know it when it happens. 124 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,113 Now, about race riots. 125 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,715 Try not to take sides. 126 00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,484 If anybody asks, you're mulatto. 127 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,922 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 128 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:25,292 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 129 00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:28,429 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 130 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,531 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 131 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,933 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 132 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,269 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 133 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:40,641 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 134 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,980 * Men... 135 00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,215 ALAN: How do they feel? 136 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,783 Okay, but they're ugly. 137 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,552 They look like old people shoes. 138 00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:52,920 They're not old people shoes. 139 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,287 They're walking shoes. 140 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,289 Right, for people who've been walking 141 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,426 over 85 years. 142 00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:00,828 I'd rather get these. These are cool. 143 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,930 Listen, Jake, junior high is not about 144 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,432 being cool or popular. 145 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,299 It's about not getting mugged for your sneakers. 146 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,936 I can get mugged for my sneakers? 147 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,038 Not those sneakers. 148 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,774 No, not unless you go walking by 149 00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,510 an assisted living facility in a rough neighborhood. 150 00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,146 What are you doing? 151 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:23,451 Huh? Oh. 152 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:27,120 Sorry, this rash is driving me crazy. 153 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,856 I feel stupid in these. 154 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,290 Better to feel stupid than to be 155 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,792 tied to flagpole barefoot 156 00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,927 while upperclassmen use you as a spittoon. 157 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,329 I don't want to be tied to a flagpole. 158 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,898 You won't be. Just wear the ugly shoes 159 00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,833 and don't sit at the wrong lunch table. 160 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:40,901 Wrong table? 161 00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:43,003 How will I know if it's the wrong table? 162 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:47,040 You'll be tied to a flagpole, right, Alan? 163 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:50,077 That also only happened once. 164 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:54,047 Let's just check the fit. 165 00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,749 Ooh, good. 166 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,785 Plenty of room for lunch money. 167 00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,625 * Men... 168 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,860 How come all my school clothes have to beige? 169 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,097 Because beige is not the color of any known gang. 170 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:13,066 Right, so instead of being mistaken for a Crip or a Blood, 171 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,168 you'll be mistaken for a very large Band-Aid. 172 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,138 Hey, Band-Aids are ouchless. 173 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,443 Oh, oh, excuse me, excuse me. There's a line. 174 00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,212 Yeah, I just got a couple things. 175 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,747 Well, I can see that, 176 00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,849 but it's not really based on quantity of items. 177 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:32,085 It's more of a we-were-here- before-you kind of deal. 178 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,187 (sighs) 179 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,256 You gonna make a thing out of this? 180 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,859 There's no thing. 181 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,094 I'm just, uh, just playing by the rules 182 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,997 and wouldn't it be nice if everybody did the same? 183 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,666 Hang onto this, slick. 184 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,538 Now, you want to explain those rules again, jughead? 185 00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,106 You know what? 186 00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,342 If you're in such a big hurry, why don't you just go ahead? 187 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,977 Thank you. 188 00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,148 What the hell are you doing? 189 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:04,785 Nothing. Here. 190 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:09,923 (clucking) 191 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,292 No, no, not chicken, just good common sense. 192 00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,661 Fighting accomplishes nothing. 193 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:17,030 Oh, I didn't know you were so French. 194 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,866 Hey. 195 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:19,867 Oh, hey, Julie. 196 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,501 Uh... 197 00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,537 How do you know my wife? 198 00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,539 What? Oh, no, no, no. 199 00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,074 I-I-I don't know her. 200 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,076 You said, "Hey, Julie." 201 00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:32,379 N-no, no. I-I-I sneezed. 202 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,915 Ay... chooie! 203 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,018 Gesundheit. 204 00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:39,352 Thank you. 205 00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,521 Oh, look, another cashier opened up. 206 00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,190 (softly): Let's go, let's go, let's go. 207 00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:46,627 (clucking to tune of "La Marseilles") 208 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,632 But Mom said I could wait for the bus by myself. 209 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,100 I know. 210 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,703 I would really rather wait for the bus by myself. 211 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,905 I just want to make sure you get off okay. 212 00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,640 Yeah, but being walked to the bus stop 213 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,174 by my dad and my uncle? 214 00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,043 I'm gonna look so lame. 215 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,679 Jake, buddy, that ship has sailed. 216 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:12,385 (indistinct chatter) 217 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,487 Please don't leave me. 218 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,590 You're okay. 219 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,792 Just don't make eye contact. 220 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,862 Okay, when the bus comes, 221 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,463 don't take a window seat. 222 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,633 You don't want to be trapped by one of these mouth-breathers 223 00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,000 and get pummeled. Pummeled? 224 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,335 And be polite to the bus driver. 225 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,238 They tend to be damaged people with short fuses. 226 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,372 Fuses? 227 00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:33,741 Don't distract him. 228 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,142 There's no seatbelts on these old buses. 229 00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,677 One sharp turn, and all you kids 230 00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,445 will be flying around like lotto balls. 231 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:40,113 Balls? (bus approaches) 232 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,583 (kids cheering) 233 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:47,387 Oh, uh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 234 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,189 Smile. 235 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,323 About what? 236 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,993 I need a current picture in case you go missing. 237 00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:54,795 Alan, you're being ridiculous. 238 00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,329 They never find those kids. 239 00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,833 Give me a profile. 240 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:03,570 Okay, now go and make it a great day. 241 00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,338 Have fun. 242 00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:16,149 (kids shouting, laughing) 243 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:24,692 I just hope everything turns out all right. 244 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,727 Well, we've done all we could. 245 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,262 Now it's up to him. Mm-hmm. 246 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:37,705 * Men... 247 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,340 * Men... 248 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,510 Okay, okay, tell the doctor that if I was a tree, 249 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:47,380 the rash is predominantly around the mossy trunk area. 250 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,655 But I'm starting to see some redness 251 00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:58,726 on the adjacent boulders. 252 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,729 Oh, come on. "Tree? Two boulders"? 253 00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:03,663 What part don't you understand? 254 00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,498 Hey. 255 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:08,769 Hey. Okay, just have him call me. 256 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,437 Heard from Jake? Nope. 257 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,671 I'll call him at his mom's. 258 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,473 See how school went. 259 00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,242 Alan, does this look infected to you? 260 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,810 What? Oh! 261 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,812 Get that away from me! 262 00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,414 I'm not asking you to tickle it, just take a look. 263 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:22,883 No, thank you. 264 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,384 But you're a doctor. 265 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:26,754 I'm a chiropractor. 266 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,121 I work with vertebrae. 267 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,723 And contrary to popular belief, 268 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,925 there's not a single bone in the penis. 269 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,362 Oh, hi, Judith. 270 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,397 Uh, n-nothing. 271 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,665 I was just talking to Charlie. 272 00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:41,134 Hey, hey, is Jake home from school yet? 273 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,102 No? 274 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:43,270 Oh, okay. 275 00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,338 Well, I was just wondering how his first day went. 276 00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:46,874 Have him call me, okay? 277 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,541 Thanks. Bye-bye. 278 00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:50,243 Huh. 279 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,913 I hope he didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour. 280 00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,647 Nah, he's smarter than that. 281 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,116 Smart? 282 00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:57,851 Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 283 00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,486 because he couldn't fit in the desks anymore. 284 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:03,356 Well, if you're that concerned, just call him on his cell. 285 00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,893 Good idea. 286 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:18,772 (phone rings nearby) 287 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,609 Uh, Jake? 288 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,878 Jake, where are you? 289 00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:29,182 Oh, you're still on the bus. 290 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:34,521 Funny. I don't hear the other kids. 291 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,323 Oh, yeah, it was a tough day. 292 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,525 Everybody's tired. 293 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,260 No kidding. 294 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:45,132 Dad, this phone is for emergencies only. 295 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,435 Why aren't you at your mother's? 296 00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:52,172 I got off the bus at school, got on another bus and came here. 297 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,341 So you've never been to school today? 298 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,076 Of course not! 299 00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,611 I don't want to be stuffed in a locker, tied to a flagpole 300 00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,447 or dunked in a toilet! 301 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,316 Not dunked. Dipped. 302 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,585 And where are your new sneakers? 303 00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,455 I sold them to the bus driver. 304 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,828 A-ha. 305 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,831 Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute? 306 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:19,967 Are those my comics? 307 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,401 ALAN: Charlie! 308 00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,805 They're near mint, and he wipes his boogers all over them. 309 00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,641 He was here all day, and you didn't know? 310 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:31,344 Hey, I've got a rash. 311 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,582 I can't believe he cut school on his first day. 312 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,085 Well, when you think about it, it's pretty smart. 313 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,719 As far as the school is concerned, 314 00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,188 he might just be a typo. 315 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:44,524 Charlie, the question is, why did he cut school? 316 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:45,926 Oh, that's easy. 317 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,895 He cut 'cause you scared the crap out of him 318 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,396 and dressed him like an Ace bandage. 319 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,831 I was just trying to prepare him. 320 00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:54,201 For what? A life of running and hiding? 321 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,169 No, no. A life of blending in, 322 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,871 and only if they see you, running and hiding. 323 00:13:57,938 --> 00:14:01,208 Face it, Alan, when the Good Lord 324 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,543 was handing out courage, you were crouched in a locker 325 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,045 peeing on your gym socks. 326 00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:08,248 Okay, first of all, 327 00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:12,019 I had had three Mr. Pibbs at lunch. 328 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,154 And secondly, I am not a coward. 329 00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:15,989 Come on, I've seen steelier nerves 330 00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,125 from a cat on the freeway. 331 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,894 That's ridiculous. 332 00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,196 (yells) (screams) 333 00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:25,532 Okay, I was not ready, and that was not fair. 334 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,300 And-And what about you? 335 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,969 What about me? 336 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:29,970 You're afraid of everything. 337 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:30,971 Like what? 338 00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,639 Well, let's see. 339 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,142 Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, 340 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,910 angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, 341 00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,845 large birds, spiders and Mom. 342 00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,948 Hold on. 343 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,815 Hold on a sec. 344 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,185 I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. 345 00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,453 I'm just sensitive to chlorine. 346 00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:47,754 Right. 347 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:51,058 And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. 348 00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,926 In the sky, I got no problem. 349 00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:55,795 Fine, fine. Live in denial. 350 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,564 I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out. 351 00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:02,435 And what sane person is not afraid of spiders? 352 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,405 * Men... 353 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,040 What I'm trying to say is 354 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,708 that it was wrong to fill your head 355 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,278 with a lot of horrible things to avoid at school. 356 00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,446 'Cause the truth is, you can't avoid any of them. 357 00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:14,781 Charlie... 358 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,716 You don't want him living his life in fear, right? 359 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:17,817 Well, yeah, but... 360 00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,352 Well, scary things happen in life. 361 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,854 And he can either hide from them like you... 362 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,090 Like us. Don't nitpick. 363 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,426 Or you can stand up to them. 364 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,996 I mean, look, getting hit in the face hurts, 365 00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,163 but you know what hurts more? 366 00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,199 A kick in the crotch? 367 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,037 Well, yeah, sure. 368 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,172 I took a soccer ball to the nads once. 369 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,008 Thought my eyes were gonna pop out. 370 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,083 Yeah, but that pain passes. 371 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,819 What hurts more and lasts longer than anything 372 00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,854 is the humiliation of running away. 373 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:58,191 Couldn't ride my bike for a week. 374 00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,360 Jake, Jake, I think you're missing the point. 375 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,594 Makes you wonder what they're doing 376 00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:05,032 hanging down there in the first place. 377 00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:08,035 Now, what I think Uncle Charlie is trying to say 378 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,303 is that, yeah, you might get hit, 379 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,172 you might get stuffed in a locker, 380 00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:13,473 but you know what? 381 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:14,407 You'll survive. 382 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,743 You may get bruised, you may bleed, 383 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,178 you may lose a few teeth, 384 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:21,448 but... you'll have your self-respect. 385 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:22,982 Exactly. 386 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,384 How do you stop being afraid? 387 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,555 Well, I drink. 388 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,500 But I didn't start till ninth grade. 389 00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,339 * Men... 390 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:49,776 Yeah, Judith, he was at Charlie's the whole time. 391 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:53,746 Well, he said he was too scared to go to school. 392 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,219 How should I know why he's so scared? 393 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:02,422 Maybe you're overprotective. 394 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:03,590 (softly): Good one. 395 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,727 I-I know you mean well. 396 00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:10,497 All right, we'll be there in a few minutes. 397 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,165 Okay. Bye-bye. 398 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,300 Did you hear that? 399 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,934 Yeah, it's Mom's fault. 400 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,770 Attaboy. 401 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,075 Come on. It's green. 402 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,543 Let's go. 403 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,213 (chuckles) 404 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,348 What's the matter with this guy? 405 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,582 (honks horn longer) 406 00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:31,318 (mouthing) 407 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,019 (car door closes) 408 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,588 Looks like he's coming to tell you. 409 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,492 Lock your doors! Lock your doors! 410 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,495 Wait, wait, no, no, wait. 411 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,364 I am tired of running and hiding. 412 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,932 Are you tired of running and hiding? 413 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:46,966 Yes, I am. 414 00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:48,568 Remember, Jake, 415 00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,537 courage is not the absence of fear. 416 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,905 It's taking action despite fear. 417 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,542 That's very true. 418 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,180 Let's do this. 419 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,781 Right behind you. 420 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,191 Two against one wouldn't be fair. 421 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,692 (Alan screaming) 422 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,761 (thud) 423 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:16,229 Now, that's courage. 424 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,764 Aren't you proud of him? 425 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,399 (Alan screaming) 426 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,334 You got your cell phone? 427 00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,069 It's only for emergencies. 428 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,371 (shouting) 429 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:26,873 Help me. 430 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,741 (fingers squeaking across glass) 431 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,110 I think this qualifies. 432 00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,412 (Alan screaming) 433 00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,282 Charlie, Charlie, Charlie Charlie, Charlie! 434 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,285 (cell phone ringing nearby) 435 00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:41,554 Hello? 436 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,955 Uh... 437 00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,957 (Alan screaming) 438 00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:47,093 Help me, Charlie! 439 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,362 * Men... 440 00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:59,306 You are a bad brother. 441 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:00,807 I really thought you had him. 442 00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:04,411 Okay, Mr. Harper, try not to sneeze. 443 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,045 You'll blow those stitches right out. 444 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:07,480 Thank you, Doctor. 445 00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:08,615 Hey, Doc? 446 00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,451 While I got you here, let me show you something. 447 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,189 Oh my goodness, your little jimmy is all crimson. 448 00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,725 Yeah. What do you think? 449 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,661 Well, it, uh, looks like an allergic reaction. 450 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:24,431 Have you been applying anything to your genital region? 451 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,999 Just the usual-- waitresses and actresses. 452 00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:28,368 Oh wait, wait. 453 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,136 Does Grecian Formula count? 454 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,638 Grecian Formula? 455 00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,673 You tried to get the gray out of your pubic hair? 456 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:37,009 Well, I wanted to leave a little silver around the sides. 457 00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,511 You know, look distinguished. 458 00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,347 DOCTOR: Distinguished? Hmm. 459 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,148 That's interesting. 460 00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:45,084 We have a saying in my country. 461 00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:47,019 "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, 462 00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:49,756 but it is still a goat." 463 00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:52,525 Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too. 464 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,395 "Help me, my balls are on fire." 465 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:58,665 Okay, I'll get you some salve. 466 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,635 How about that? 467 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,238 Allergic reaction, nothing to be scared of. 468 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,876 All's well that ends well, right? 469 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,045 What'd they give you for the pain? 470 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:16,115 Ah, you lucky bastard. 471 00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:17,917 Wish my balls hurt more.